Huge Mistake

So yesterday I got a sugar craving.  That's how it started.  For some ungodly reason, I decided to act on it.  Armed with two one dollar bills, I traipsed from my workplace down a flight of stairs to a vending machine in the student lounge.  I was feeling... Mike and Ikey.

The first problem.  There were people around.  I have what I like to call food anxiety.  I feel bad about myself when I purchase or eat food around people I don't know, or don't know well.  This anxiety is lessened when I buy foods that aren't so "bad".  Mike and Ike, the big box, is pretty "bad".  It's nothing but sugar, corn syrup and artificial flavoring.  I knew this.  I still wanted it.

Avoiding eye contact, pretending I was the only person in that lounge, in that building, in the universe... I bought it and ran.  Okay, I walked out, but I felt like running.

I had planned on only eating a serving size and then sticking the rest in my backpack for another day.  Key word.  Planned.  Here's the second problem.  I was doing other things while eating.  You know what that means.  Mindless eating, my arch nemesis.  If I have to multi task while eating, I usually portion out whatever it is I'm having into a bowl and when it's gone, I'm done.  No more. That was you serving.  You've had your treat, now go do the dishes.  But I wasn't at home, I was at work, so without even thinking about it I popped it open and started snacking.

Cut to 560 calories later, the box was almost empty.  Disgusted with myself, I threw the remainder away.  I couldn't even remember eating it.  All I remembered were the articles I'd read, the copy work I'd done.  By this time it was almost lunch, but I wasn't hungry anymore.  My emotional disgust was becoming physical as my body realized how much sugar was sitting in my gullet.  "Holy crap, we have to process what now?!"

So, in another idiotic move, I skipped eating any actual food for lunch.  I just couldn't bare to eat anymore calories.  I wanted to punish myself for being so stupid.  By being even more stupid.  So I left work to go sit through my two hour class, hands visibly shaking, unable to take notes because of said shaking, dizzy with cold lips and fingers.  I wobbled my way home after and caved, ate a sandwich, drank some water, laid down.

I realize that this was more than just a bad dietary decision.  I put my health at serious risk over some candy and the associated emotions I have on eating it.  This shouldn't be normal.  But I think, increasingly so, it's becoming that way.  I know more people with an unhealthy relationship with food and their body image than I do those that don't.

And just think.  I'm doing better.  This is better.  I'll leave things on that note.

Two steps back isn't THAT bad, chill out self.

I was going to write about the title of the blog this post and why I chose it, but something more pertinent came up.  That is, I'm up by a couple pounds this morning.

Not too long ago, this would have sent me into a tailspin of despair.  And by not too long ago, I mean, like, a month ago.  But I've been trying to take a more relaxed outlook on my weight.  It's been a long road and I'm kind of tired of kicking myself so much for being fat.  Your tush starts to look like a kaleidoscope of bruises and then sitting is a pain... you know what I mean.

It's still a process.  I have to actively tell myself, "You are no less lovable, sweet, intelligent or beautiful because you are 2 pounds heavier."  And even then, my inner critic gives my inner hippy a dour, blank stare and sort of continues on her merry-less way.  I have to tell myself it's only temporary.  Even if temporary translates to one day, one week, or one month I will see the number on the scale decrease, eventually.

I'm a pretty impatient person.  Hence the daily weighing where I can't wait to see results.  Occasionally, like today, this habit backfires on me and I feel kind of down and mopey instead of motivated.  Years ago, against all reason, I would have turned to food for comfort.  I would like to say that urge no longer exists, but that'd be a dirty dirty lie.  The only real difference is that I recognize the utter insanity of it.  I'm much more in tune with my body and can tell when I'm searching for food out of boredom, frustration, sadness, any myriad of emotions.  I can also recognize the difference between thirst and hunger.

So yes.  Taking two steps back isn't such a bad thing.  Maybe you'll get a new perspective.  You never know.