4th Friday Weigh-in, Several Months Later

Ha ha ha ha ha hi.

I'm... um... back, I guess.  Please don't hate me.  I warned you I was a blog abandoner!

I wish I could say I'm back with good news, that news being a lower weight, but alas.

I'm 188.

God, just writing it depresses me something fierce.  What happened?  Well, for starters, my classes started getting stressful, so the posts were the first thing to go.  New habits take... 6? 8? weeks to form and I'd only been at it for a couple or so.  Plus I was basically talking to thin air, so yeah, not much motivation to stay on it.

I also became romantically entangled, as it were.  I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months now and boy, does having him around crash my eating habits.  I'm not blaming him, mind you.  I'm an adult and I make my own decisions and I take responsibility for them.  I am responsible when I eat the cake, cookies, ice cream and chips we buy.  Sometimes his money, sometimes mine.  I buy it for him, but I almost always partake.  He's aware of my piss poor will power, and dear that he is, is encouraging me not to buy it for him.  I also know he's better off without that stuff too, so I've started taking him up on it.

I haven't been this close to 190 for over a year.  If I'm brutally honest?  I hate myself for gaining this much weight back.  But choosing to start this blog up again and stay accountable by posting my weight will be one way I can get back on track.

So, uh, bye.

Two steps back isn't THAT bad, chill out self.

I was going to write about the title of the blog this post and why I chose it, but something more pertinent came up.  That is, I'm up by a couple pounds this morning.

Not too long ago, this would have sent me into a tailspin of despair.  And by not too long ago, I mean, like, a month ago.  But I've been trying to take a more relaxed outlook on my weight.  It's been a long road and I'm kind of tired of kicking myself so much for being fat.  Your tush starts to look like a kaleidoscope of bruises and then sitting is a pain... you know what I mean.

It's still a process.  I have to actively tell myself, "You are no less lovable, sweet, intelligent or beautiful because you are 2 pounds heavier."  And even then, my inner critic gives my inner hippy a dour, blank stare and sort of continues on her merry-less way.  I have to tell myself it's only temporary.  Even if temporary translates to one day, one week, or one month I will see the number on the scale decrease, eventually.

I'm a pretty impatient person.  Hence the daily weighing where I can't wait to see results.  Occasionally, like today, this habit backfires on me and I feel kind of down and mopey instead of motivated.  Years ago, against all reason, I would have turned to food for comfort.  I would like to say that urge no longer exists, but that'd be a dirty dirty lie.  The only real difference is that I recognize the utter insanity of it.  I'm much more in tune with my body and can tell when I'm searching for food out of boredom, frustration, sadness, any myriad of emotions.  I can also recognize the difference between thirst and hunger.

So yes.  Taking two steps back isn't such a bad thing.  Maybe you'll get a new perspective.  You never know.